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| it rained today at berkeley and i was a little annoyed because i
haven't really had to walk in rain the past two years since i've been
in cali. on the bright side, after the rain, i went to a convenient
store to buy a drink and cigarettes and that post-rain damp air hella
reminded me of tien mu (taipei, taiwan) and somehow transformed
johnstons in to 7-11 or nikomart, familymart, or one of the many marts
in taiwan. maybe it's because the rain washed the dust from the air or
maybe it's the smell of wet cement, or the constantly being wary of my
jeans or shoes picking up mud: i can't say it felt exactly like taiwan,
but it definitely smelled hecka similar and gave me a wet uncomfortable
reminiscence of something familiar. something that's perhaps like home?
i've lived in diamond bar, cali; beitou, taipei; tienmu, taipei;
allendale, newjersey; another house in tienmu; irvine, california; and
now berkeley. and before today, i felt like all these places had such
different feelings of home that i didn't really see any of them as my
home. perhaps the concept of home is merely something familiar that you
can appreciate the way that i did, though slightly uncomfortably, when
i left johnston's this afternoon. they say home is where the heart is,
and i've asked before where the hell is this heart because i sure as
hell would like to know. maybe feeling that familiarity and not only
being able to enjoy the memory of it as a memory, but also allowing
that reminiscence to heighten your appreciation for the present
experience, is the idea of home being where your heart is. the comfort
that i find in taipei air, made my present new experience of rain at
berkeley less repulsive and far more enjoyable.
and this weather! it has this inexplicable way of making me miss people
- not just people that i love (although this weather does make me in
the snuggly mood and i just want to be held by my boo but he's all the
way in sac, or hugged by my sister but she's all the way in new york.)
i also miss people that i just know in general. taiwan friends, jersey
friends, irvine friends, international friends, berkeley friends, etc.
i find familiarity in people - family, friends, lovers, teachers,
classmates, and even acquaintances like the cleaning lady that's always
out in my dorm hall.
of course, ideally the comfort in these familiar things won't hold me
back from finding new things, but rather make me feel safer - safer in
discovering new things, meeting new people, or perhaps moving. people
ask me all the time, how is berkeley and how are the people? i don't
really know what to say (which then confuses people because they think
i have some speech disability since i can't quite describe what it is i
feel for a new place like berkeley.)
i know numerous people that have moved many more times than i have, and
i don't want to seem like i think i've beeen places, but i feel like
having always been trying new things - my attitude toward everything is
mixed as it should be: without definitive judgment. there's good,
there's bad, i know i'm adapting or, as i would see it now, MAKING
FAMILIAR - MAKING HOME.
SO, since JD from scrubs always "wraps up" his looong fantasies with
some sort of closing conclusion, i feel like i should do so too. maybe
finding home in many things is what we do, and if so, perhaps we find
home in making memories, making places, people and experiences familiar
to our hearts. in that sense, home really is where the heart is, no?
edit:
rainy weather, bow wow ft omarion - let me hold you down, and hot chocolate fits well with this read (i dont know why.)
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sometimes i like to remind myself how happy a certain moment was. :)
like right now. in this exact moment. i feel liek errrthign in the
world is looking out for me. like princess status looking out for me. i
mean. i was sitting outside in the cold by myself yesterday night and i
felt so thankful that i had my coat on. and i decided to smoke a
cigarette but i didn't have a lighter. but wen i reached in my coat,
it's like my coat was hella looking out for me cus i found my favorite
purple lighter that i thought i lost! simple things in lifeeee dude. i
can be genuinely fucking happy from inside out just from simple things
like that. cus everytime that i'm thankful, or happy, i am
thankful110%. LOVESTRONG - cus its the only way to love.
wen i got home yesterday i was laying in bed and thinking about how
much i love my sister. most people can't see exactly why because my
sister hella nags me and we hella fight if we're together way too long,
but it's that through the fights and through all the crap that i pull,
she'll still be there to help me through wahtever happens. if i fuck
up, i know she'll help me through it. i mean i got her back too, but we
got each other's back not because we owe each other. family and love
and family love in general goes beyond favors. i still think back to
when i was in middle school and my sister seemed like such a badass to
me and i thought she was so cool. but what i can really appreciate
about irene is that she's got her shit down before she is down for
anything. she can afford, support, nd basically earn her right to play
hard yea? i still got a lot to learn from irene, and i'm glad she's
there. my sister is just amazing all together and im so lucky not only
do i have someone like her in my life, she's my sisterrr. my fucking
silly sister is hella what we call "38" in mandarin but she still knows
her limits inside out - that's what i can hella respect.
i guess there's a reason people think irene and i are so different. i
mean, supposedly according to what's often been said, i'm hella
extreme. but maybe it's just because wen i'm doing something, i gotta
do it with everything that i got. i mean it goes for academics as well
as just SLEEPING. i mean if you've ever seen me sleep, i sleep like a
ROCK. if i'm going to get to sleep, i'm going to sleep COMPLETELY you
know? and yea, i've gone pretty crazy, caused my friends and family
some stress and worries. i wanna tell them thankyou and sorry for all
the trouble, but trust. i'll take the consequences for my actions cus
that's responsibility you know? we are our own first priority and we
gotta be responsible for ourselves before anyone else.
and errthing good that does come out of my life, i'll appreciate.
somehow an appreciation - a deeper appreciation - for everythign and
anything down to the simplest of situations just makes life a lot
easier to get through. an appreciation for the person you're rooming
with (roomieeeeloveeeee,) an appreciation for family, an appreciation
for learning some hella interesting stuff in class, an appreciation for
the facilities, campus, nd environment. maybe if we could all just
appreciate a lil more, we wouldn't be fighting all the time and we
wouldnt be so concerned with our differences and the negative shit.
know that all the good things that happen can be fleeeting and took
work to bring about. happiness doesn't just come out of no where
(cannot neither be created nor destroyed?) and in some fucked up way
i've learned that happiness is like looking at life with a different
attitude&perspective.
see happiness, feel happiness, be happiness.
i write on my iphone wayy too often. hahahahahahaha. :)
-sent from my iphone
wen ppl give me the thing that I want the most at the exact right
moment I'm soo happy and grateful and I appreciate it sooo much and I
have like a burst of love almost for them. cus isn't that what love
kinda is? constant thankfulness for that person bringing you happiness.
and maybe even wen they don't, they're existence is enough to make you
happy so you're just simply grateful they are alive! it's love. familys
existence is enough. and that's why wen I fall in love again I'll love
with this kind of love. and every happy moment I get from life - things
in the world as simple as recognizing the exact place you've been to
and stood and looked in the beautiful photographs taken by a friend or
good friendship bonding conversations at 2:30 in the morning or
watching a great tv show episode for the millionth time, or finding
something you have in common with a stranger you just met, or eating
ice cream on a cold day or looking up to see a beautiful night sky and
gajillion stars, I will be grateful, appreciate and enjoy that
happiness- life - with such love as the one I just described. it's the
only way to love.
loving completely means loving the shitty things that happen in life
too. there should really only be that type of love if it is to be
called love. because shitty things come and go. life is like that. life
gives us these experiences or we encounter these challenges -living for
one- so we change or grow or develop. shitty things aren't everything
because there's good things too. I love the good things so much more
now. I realized I barely ever mourn shitty things anymore cus I realize
how fleeting life is. it's simply too short for me to be wasting time
pissed or frustrated or sad. life goes on. time doesn't stop. the world
spins madly on. just want to keep living. enjoying. appreciating.
loving. being happy for what we can be happy about. cus somehow there's
gotta be more happier things (quantity in this case) in the world if we
weren't occupied being upset as if something extra good should
magically come to counter the really negative. as if we couldn't find
something like that ourselves with our own will. will to be happy.
love. simple four letter word. so simple so cliché. yet when we slow
down enough to really look at things in a beautiful way I somehow find
another way to understand or to feel the word to a deeper degree.
the abstraction of a word is abstract almost vague in order to
allow and somewhat encourage the deeper understandings of the word to
coexist without any devaluing of any interpretation and perspective.
life is without a preconceived answer or meaning because it must allow
room for all things human relationship experiences objects emotions to
all coexist. coexist without a value system. religion hopefully can and
should if people would just be able to do so. race perhaps too? an
acknowledgement of differences without differences in value. maybe we
could go as far as to say maybe if people really thought about the
abstractness and deepness of love, perhaps the world could be a happier
place?
love. hmmmm... lovefest. who's excited now?
(sent from my iphone,)
suddenly feel like i've come a bitch long way from all the shit that's happened.
and i wanted to remember this minute. which means.... time to get another tattoo i think?
fucking love all the people and situations in my life. not because they
bring me happiness all the time. i've learned to love deeper than that.
i love them because this is life right here. ain't nothing like it and
nothing unlike it. | | |
| UNPOLISHED THINKING. don't read if you dont want to get confused. because I haven't edited at all. I love God, Jesus, and the trinity's distinct as well as inseparable relationship. I believe in Him but I am not a Christian. I may be Buddhist too because I believe in self-enlightenment. wen I went to church and heard that god is not the external authority figure that I've somehow had associated him as, but that he is in you as you are the temple of the holy ghost. perhaps what I'm suggesting is ludicrous, but maybe in a way that is the same as SELFenlightenment. From Evan Almighty, Morgan Freeman or "God" says to Joan (Evans wife) "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" God gives us these opportunities to better ourselves but it is ultimately your will to choose and grow from such choices. To me this is, in a way, SELF determination in a less aggressive sense. I think about religion so much and I always somehow end up no where, believing I could never encounter a balance or realization of which story (which religion in a way,) is best told because they all sound so good wen I'm hearing it. Somehow I have this ability to appreciate each song/story/perspective and that's why sometimes I find myself unable to be mad at anyone and unable to decide what is right and what is wrong. Perhaps the song G.O.D. (Gaining Ones Definition) - Common says it best . Some say that God is Black and the Devil's White
Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what's right
I fight, with myself in the ring of doubt and fear
The rain ain't gone, but I can still see clear
because ultimately devil represents the bad the unappreciative unaware and god is what's right. it or he is what drives you. In a way,
Some say that God is ______ and the Devil's ______
Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what's right. I left the words blank because I wanted to make a point that it doesn't matter what you say after that if your god is Buddha, Allah, or God and the trinity.... without the story and the label it is ultimately the same drive. stories and labels just help people understand or tap access to the ideas or beliefs or decision makers as I like to think of them. I love this song so I really recommend listening to it for the lyrics. as so many underground artists have proven the lyrics are deep and can really enlighten a situation giving you an insightful perspective. I feel like all my thinking is "fight[ing] with myself in the ring of doubt and fear" and even though I haven't come to a set conclusion ("The rain aint gone") I really can "still see clear." I'm okay with this. I like where we are. Mmmmmm.. I LOVE MUSIC. right now I'm really really enjoying and appreciating underground hiphop. the art in the poetry - such succinct and, like a poem I read once and from which I took only one word, deliberate. Deliberately chosen words can deliver so much meaning in its connotations bringing freshness, non wordy succinctness, which clearly by now you as readers know is NOT my strong feat. Sadly, most of the time this is how my mind works. it just keeps thinking and analyzing everything. its a no wonder I run away from bad things because I don't want to get sucked in to analyzing that stuff and so I really want to quit weed. I feel so foolish thinking and trying to understand so much when I'm around ppl who don't because there's tension and expectations and closedness. Just a deeper understanding of yourself and others - enlightenment realizing the god in you and in others - opens up those blocked out obstructions to understanding of any perspective. the connection you feel with anything around you is great. its because everything is made by god and all has god in them that you are connected. you won't discrimnate or hold bad judgments as a grudge and won't even get mad as easily. being mad is so bad for your health. because its not relaxing and understanding which brings peace instead of war. those who interpret God or Allah or Buddha as DIVIDING, classifying, and separating people by specifying an allegiance (like when answering questions from strangers regarding religious affiliation) you are SADLY mistaken (all ofcourse just my own opinion) because God ultimately should be an understanding unifying connecting loving force not one that divides......right? and I say force because it drives people toward where they should be or where would benefit them ultimately. one of my most admired friends, rob, once tried to explain to me how he felt. that god is the realization of something bigger than yourself. in his terms god is that realization of the sanctity of your choices, the sanctity of others and things around you because you are ultimately connected in a bigger way than yourself. Understanding and wisdom became the rhythm that I played to
And became a slave to master self
A rich man is one with knowledge, happiness and his health
My mind had dealt with the books of Zen, Tao the lessons
Koran and the Bible, to me they all vital
And got truth within 'em, gotta read them boys
You just can't skim 'em, different branches of belief
But one root that stem 'em, but people of the venom try to trim 'em
And use religion as an emblem
When it should be a natural way of life
Who am I or they to say to whom you pray ain't right
That's who got you doin right and got you this far
Whether you say "in Jesus name" or Hum do Allah
Long as you know it's a bein' that's supreme to you
You let that show towards others in the things you do
when I feel myself in pain or facing a hardship I feel myself in the presence of the god in me and outside of me in other people and things and the world. sometimes the irony that in trying to fully understanding god you will probably work yourself to a state of almost death. too intense amount of pain I feel sometimes I have to take wen I try so hard to understand. its painfully challenging but I crave to know and understand. its in a way a crazy drug of bettering myself no matter what way. The very seldom times I am on facebook recently, I noticed that it seems everyone misses Taipei or their hometown/city......... and somehow I don't. I feel like my immediate reaction is what's wrong with me if I don't miss Taipei the way I used to when I moved to A-dale for that one year... I like where I am which is... well, no where. They say Home is where the Heart is. Home is not Taipei cus that's not where my heart is. My heart is with ppl and things and life - not the location or place anymore - and my home is that love and gratitude that I can feel for those things. I like the way they are. I am happy. A taiwanese artist that I like (he's rather whitewashed though in my opinion) released a song maybe a year or two ago and it's called (in translation) Missing is a Sickness. and I think I'm beginning to really believe so now. Life goes on and some how it's OKAY to keep "happy" as a memory 'cause we are given (by God maybe?) or naturally have within us this amazing ability to survive and adapt because life DOES keep going on. We don't have to keep the memory in the present because memories can be what memories should be. In a way, there's a beauty in the way that all works out.Those feelings and people and stories remain perfect in whatever they were - unchangeable. If we can't change the moment since each moment we pass is permanent (like a tattoo don't get me started on why I got my tattoo because I'll get in to this whole permanence and life and what not stories.) The beauty of the past and of life and time in general is in the perfection of it's preservation without biasness. Good, bad, positive, negative - what happened happened right? and we're still moving forward! Unalterable, and somehow it's okay that way. I like where we are. | | |
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What I've learned the past two days (I'm a fast learner. Realy.) is the tremendous influence that everything that surrounds us has upon... well every aspect of our lives. Parenting for example, is a way to really screw up a kid for the rest of their lives. Abuse in all forms, neglect, too much praise, not enough praise, too much discipline, not enough discipline - parenting in general establishes the "core beliefs" with which kids (or rather I should just say PEOPLE) view the world and themselves. Such "core beliefs" are so "core" that we see them not as beliefs nor as something that was learned, but as a truth or ... a reality. These are the beliefs from where we get our "attitude" or "outlook on life" and the scary part is that it all starts with those influences of parenting.
If one were to think "life is a struggle" or "I'm powerless" such a person would find themselves impeded when it comes to difficulties in life because they feel like they are incapable by nature. We talk ourselves in to much of our anxiety by self-criticism, what-if thinking, or even perfectionist thinking and all this "self talk" begins with our basic core beliefs of how we see ourselves and life.
Parenting, thus, becomes a heavy responsibility that I don't know if I'd ever be able to take on given what I've seen. But what I've realised is that all of us are influences in the sense that we are in an environment with others that we influence and in turn influence us. In a way, we are parenting them and vice versa. Society parents it's people, whether it be a controlling authoritative government that strips peopel of their freedoms and makes them believe they are in capable without a leader, or perhaps a liberal democracy that empowers the man and encourages each individual's freedom of choice.
I keep thinking back to Blue Scholar's lyrics, "eyes up to the sky she sighs 'i need nobody. true indeed sister but you still need everybody because we hardly know ourselves if we know nobody else." For the longest time I didn't really agree with not knowing ourselves without other people but in a way we are a product of all those influences even though we have the CONTROL (which is important) ultimately of how we react to such influences, we only grow, discover, and develop ourselves by reacting to the influences of life (the environment) - by society, by parents, and by people around us.
We've been parenting our whole lives. In a sense we've always been responsible for everyone around us and in turn (as a result,) responsible and incontrol of ourselves.
just a thought....
Without negative "core beliefs" impeding you, or in other words, if you knew you could not fail, what would you strive for?
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| the two boys I never quite caught
I've learned to love things with a love that only gently grows with
time (quite stubbornly, sadly almost all of the time.) Because loving
that type of TRUE love should be the only way of loving if you were to
love at all. Like the true love of a parent. My parents love me.
Present tense for always. The type of gently growing love I learned
from my parents, that I learned only after things had fallen so badly
apart and I had landed myself in a hospital, to understand. I'm sitting
here in the bed that my mom made for me back at home for the first
night, in the room that my mom cleaned for me, organized for me all
while I was laying in the hospital. And I feel love.
I know she did it so that I could have a clean environment on the
bed sheets that I wanted (which was on a different bed before because
after we moved houses my original bed had been placed in the guest
house) with the pillows and blankets that I wanted and demanded to have
before even when we were on bad terms. Some part of her probably did it
because she wanted me to feel comfortable in my own home - the very
very seldom times I actually come home. And it aches my heart and I
feel sad (not sarcastic at all, I'm really really sad inside.) How
could I treat my parents the way I did? They wait patiently for me at
home now after my hospital visit because they know that if I am happy
then it's all that matters because life is so short and can be taken
from us all in a blink of an eye (couldn't help but put a cliche there
even though Sorey said cliches are too overused.) They just want to
make this home as comfortable as they can possibly make it while I AM
at home and that's love. Even after the way I've treated them, how I
never come home, never keep my promises of curfews, and rebelled every
expectation they had for me whether they made it clear to me or not,
how I didn’t even treat this house like a home - they can still make a
home for me.... It's a love that grows even if the person had hurt you
so deeply. It's a love that is true and that often times we only get
from family.
I think about the way that I love you, and I think it's that type of
love too. It's the type of love that even when you hurt me so deeply,
because you gave me such happiness that I've never felt ever in my
life, I fell in true love with you. The type that as long as you had
made me feel this way, I love you, and so my love will only grow...
gently... stubbornly... and very sadly most of the time, against my
will. I love you still now even though I know your flaws, and I know
that you are capable of hurting me (which I also thought was impossible
before... when I did fall in said… love,) I already do love you and I
can't take back that love. If I were to take back that love it would
take me years and years.... I don't even know if I would allow myself
to wait all those years and years but I can't even help it.
So I'm going to continue loving you even if I gave you up once and
ended in the hospital I've learned that the love I am giving right now…
that type of true love my parents have given me the responsibility of,
means I have to continue loving you even if doing so had hurt me
before. | | |
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